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Life can be a cold, hard place sometimes. We all know this. If you think it ain't so, and your life is perfect, look deep into your heart sometime, if you dare, and you'll see. We all feel loneliness, pain, shame, heartache sometimes. That's just part of life. Pain sucks, but it's real and denying it only makes it worse later. How do you get around this? Well, the blunt truth is that you don't. You live with it, or you die. Death is the only way to avoid the hard stuff, and depending on what you believe, it's still not a sure way. Assuming you choose to be alive, what then? You're bound to have hard stuff to deal with, so what do you do? Well, the big thing to realize is that we're all in this together. Relying on each other is often the only way to make it bearable, although just desperately grasping onto someone because you're lonely and scared usually isn't the answer either. Often it creates more problems than it solves. And because we're human we aren't always perfect at comforting each other. In fact we're bound to hurt each other sometimes, even when we least want to. You can't just rely on others because they can't give everything you need. You have to learn to rely on yourself too, though this is damn hard. I don't know any good way to develop this; I struggle a lot with it myself. The only thing I do know for sure is: never give up. Sure, sometimes you'll slip and fail and maybe even fall into despair. But even when you're so trapped and strapped that you can't seem to do anything at all, you can at least hold on. You can always do that; all you have to do is believe that you can. I don't claim it to be easy; in fact its the harderst thing in the world. The good side of that is that holding on even for one moment when you think you can't is something to be proud of. Everybody has strength hidden in them, though it may not be easy to access. Even if you do nothing else, hold on! And if at all possible, don't just sit there obsessing about the shit you're in. If you can do one small thing, even just stepping outside your door and looking around, or whatever, try it! If you can't do it, hold on, take a break, and then try again! No, this won't solve all your problems. I've been to this point several times, and I know what it feels like. There are no easy answers. But the most important advice I was ever given is to look at the little things. Maybe your life is totally fucked, but at least the stars are beautiful. Ever really paid attention to a candle flame or a cat or a flower? Or if these things seem too sappy for you to waste your time on, look at something else. Even if it's a just a rotting roadkill carcass, open up and really observe and pay attention to something outside yourself. Seems dumb? Try it! It'll get you out of your obsessions, at least for a little while. Won't solve it all of course, but nothing really will anyway. Getting your head out of your own ass is only the first step, but you really need to do it if you're trapped in your own mind-trip. Also, if you're on drugs, try sobering up for one day. Sure, the pain might get worse for awhile, but it lets you notice other things too. Once you get your head out of the fog, you will eventually start noticing a good thing here and there. Maybe somebody will smile at you. Maybe you'll find a dollar on the street. Maybe an idea for a poem will come to you. (write it down, at least the idea!) Maybe you'll hear a new song that you like. Maybe you'll feel strong or smart, even if just for a moment. Or whatever floats your boat. Because there are things in this world besides pain. That's the key. If you just hold on long enough, and open your eyes and ears, you will see something different eventually. The more you are aware of it, the more you'll see it. I myself after many years of this have come to the belief that there is some sort of grace, whether built into the world or provided by a god(dess) or whatever, that provides small good things when you really, really need them. Sometimes it even gives you large good things. But if you refuse to receive them, they'll just fall in the mud, or to somebody else, and you'll have to wait for next time. One other thing too: no matter how fucked up you are, it's still possible to lend a hand to somebody else. If that doesn't make you feel even a tiny bit better, keep trying and I guarantee you that it will. And don't be afraid to ask for help either; if you're desperate, don't worry too much about putting a burden on other people. They can always say no, and you can just try someone else. Even if all you do is rant and rave about how shitty you feel, it'll help. Don't forget to ask them how they're doing too; it may feel weird but it's a good thing to do. That way you're not just sucking other people's strength, but giving at least a bit back.
So... don't give up. Open your eyes. Watch for the little things that grace sends you. Ask for help from others, and ask if they need anything. Did I mention never giving up? It's the little moments of grace, whether experienced alone or shared, that make life possible. Rely on them for strength, and eventually you'll get to a place where you can start figuring out why you want to stay alive, what you want to be or do. All you have to do is take it one staep at a time, and remember that we're all in this together, no matter how it looks.
Feel free to email me if you want to talk, or if you're having problems. I promise to do what I can... it may not be much, but I will try. I owe a debt to a lot of folks who've helped me over the years, so much that I can never really make it up to them. The only thing to do in a case like that is to just pass it along. So if you need some, it's there for you.
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